As a sex and relationship therapist I work with a lot of couples. When it comes to sexual issues, I have found that the number one issue that most couples face is avoidance. Couples find themselves able to talk about any and everything else but, when it comes to sex and sexual issues. Couples tend to struggle in that area.
Let’s face it talking about sex can be hard (no pun intended). We are raised in a culture where sex is everywhere. Yet, it is rarely if ever discussed. If it is discussed and the kind of sex that you have or want is deemed as abnormal that can lead to feelings of shame and embarrassment. If you feel as though something is wrong with you as a person, why would you want to open up and share that with your partner? If you have never been taught about your body or what brings you pleasure it can be difficult to even know where to start. So, just to make it easier you end up avoiding the conversation about sex all together. Turning sex into this big scary, painful, shameful monster that you and your partner have no idea how to face.
So, how do you go from a place of avoidance to facing the problem head on and getting you both the sex life that you both desire? The first step in talking about sex with a partner is to be open. Since the topic has been such a tender place for both of you. You are taking a big risk and being vulnerable with one another. The last thing that you need is to be shamed by your partner for liking what you like or not knowing what it is that you like. This should be a safe and open conversation where both are able to fully express themselves. 2. Get curious. Get curious about your own pleasure, get curious about your partner’s pleasure. Ask questions but, don’t ask why questions because that can be shamey. Think of this as a sexpolration of yourself and your partner. Finally, number 3. have fun! You have avoidant sex for so long it has lost its magic and fun. Sex is supposed to be fun. Fun and playfulness are what make sex pleasurable. This doesn’t have to be a daunting conversation that last for hours and hours. Instead, trying playing games, using sex dice, coming together and making a sex menu. Anything that is fun for you both.
If you find yourself struggling in this area with your partner, that is okay. Melanin Sex Therapy is a wonderful resource for both you and your partner. Therapy can help you both unpack all the unhelpful messages that you have received about sex and help you create a new narrative around sex. If you want to learn how to talk about sex with your partner or you are wanting to add something new and exciting to spice things up but, aren’t sure how to start the conversation. Make an appointment with me at Melanin Sex Therapy today.